Now I get the whole hot yoga business—you calm down, you meditate, you center yourself, la, la, la. And, I have done yoga for an extended period of time… three years ago. But, I got sucked into a hot yoga class I couldn’t say no to again, and, I thought I’d try it. I found myself repeating those phrases you repeat to yourself when on a scale of one to ten of how badly you don’t want to go to something, it’s a 10. So I was catching myself saying things like: “it’s an experience” or “tomorrow will be better.” But, the important part of this story is that I went.
After a typical dispute with Google Maps, I was able to find my way to the studio—completely unprepared.
What I brought with me:
- A laptop from work (extremely helpful);
- Long track pants (for that heat);
- A sports bra that cut off my circulation; and
What I didn’t bring with me:
- A positive attitude;
- Any yoga knowledge;
- A water bottle (Duhhhh);
- A towel;
- My pedicure kit; or
- A stable hair elastic.
So basically, I was destined to fail from the moment I stepped into the studio. The bubbly lady at the desk took down my information, and my email spamming kit and was impressed that I already had a free pass. Cool.
So I change quickly, realizing that everyone is already in the studio (aka sauna). So I walk in and interrupt the meditative breathing, stomping around with the yoga mat I was given. I lay it out sideways, but apparently, you’re not supposed to do that. So, I shifted a whole line down and plopped in between a fit mom and a Barbie doll.
After “relaxing,” I already felt sick of the steam. The instructor cued birds chirping and water flowing from the stereo, but I was not feeling it at all. All I could focus on was how fucking hot it was!
“All right ladies now stretch into warrior pose – okay now child’s pose.” I had no idea what this lady was talking about throughout the class and just copied the expert beside me. Sweat was dripping from my toes to my forehead, while the girls beside me seemed to be perfectly dry. I felt like I was on a slip’n slide, and my downward dog was going to be the death of me. My clammy hands could barely hold onto the mat, and I just wanted to leave and meditate with my Netflix.
Suddenly, I stood up too quickly into my mountain pose and saw stars. Now—if you’re a fainter—you’ll know what I’m talking about. I instantly ran up to the instructor explaining to her that I needed water.
She said: “Um… can you wait until everyone in the class is not balancing right now?!”
No! I can’t! (I didn’t say this of course). So I waited until everyone’s feet were firmly on the mat and made a bee-line for the change room. After almost fainting, a lady came in and offered me a shot glass (she said it was for tea) and held it out to me for water. So I threw back my teaspoon of water and calmed the fuck down.
Shortly after, Teri (my sis) gave me a call and said that she had the exact same experience at her gym after high-intensity training. So I think it’s safe to say that we’re fainters at heart.
I mean—maybe hot yoga is for you. But, I’d rather stretch after getting up at 1:00 pm in the afternoon and curl up in a blanket to relax. Maybe—I’ll try it again (no, probably never), but it was an experience. And, I realized that I need to paint my toenails more often.
Thanks for listening.